present...

The moment you realize your child is becoming an independent person…I finished up my daughter’s first trimester parent-teacher conference a couple of hours ago and I have so many thoughts flowing and brewing in my head. She is a leader, she is bossy, she asks for more math during free choice time (like her father!) and she is very sensitive. All of these I knew walking in…and I was so incredibly proud when the first words out of her teacher’s mouth were, “I want you to know, first and foremost that Malia is such a joy to have in class and I absolutely love her big personality.” My daughter, the little bean of a person I held in the crook of my arm 6 years ago, is now a leader and a little girl who brings joy to the lives of others. Not family who love unconditionally, but her teacher and her friends who can choose to love her. I often wonder how I am so lucky to have a little girl with so much love to bring. She has a huge heart and a caring soul and those around her feed off of this. She is already motivates and inspires people to love and learn. And through these words of further encouragement and excitement from her first grade teacher, the characteristic or trait her teacher spoke to was Malia’s inner drive. She said Malia has a fire, a drive to learn, a thirst for knowledge, and she needs no motivation to find her resources and put in the effort to absorb. She is a self-starter, self-motivated. I don’t know if it is an innocent love for learning, a desire to better than those around her, a fear of failure, or she purely enjoys learning new things. What I do know is the one undying heartbeat which has kept me pushing and has supported my perseverance is my inner fire. The great ones have that inner fire, that undying drive to succeed and to improve. I am not calling myself great. Everyone knows that is not the case. But I am starting to learn that my daughter has the base to become great, and is blessed with the engine to push herself to new heights. She is talented and has a different sort of desire. She is my daughter, and I will do anything in my power to nurture and support anything she is passionate about. I love her, more than anything in this world. And today made me smile and dream of what she might be. Wow….what a birthday present…

a dynamic time...

the current national economic crisis has motivated all of us to reconsider and reevaluate what is important, and what can be sacrificed. resources we once considered renewable, bullet-proof, and guaranteed have all but disappeared. i think we all define our most prized resources in different ways. mine are people. my daughter, my mother, my girlfriend, my sister, my family, and all of these are quite safe. we are not protected from frustration and strife, but our health and stability are not in question. which brings me to the question, why are we all so stressed? what is causing this angst i feel in my gut. our house was burglarized last week, my laptop and xbox stolen. many of my families irreplaceable possessions taken. wedding ring, family heirloom jewelery, cameras, money. there is a feeling of violation, and for my sister, this was her first exposure to having something taken from her unjustifiably. i keep coming back to the fact that we are all safe. so i am conflicted...do i even have the right to be angry. a laptop and an xbox can be replaced. its only money, right? and those people i love are safe. am i really materialistic or is it the sense of unwarranted violation that is so upsetting. americans are losing jobs. americans are losing retirements. americans are losing their pride and self-worth...and i am "crying" about an xbox? so many changes are forthcoming, including how we view energy consumption, the working class, and the realistic parameters of our electable presidential candidates. everything is fluid, our values included. these times are dynamic and crazy. we went through enormous change during the depression and irrevokable change during WWII. today feels like one of those pivital times when, regardless of our values or beliefs, and despite the enormity of imnpact on our lives, we are all alive, juices flowing, anticipating what crazy event we will witness next. my bet is on sarah palin and tonight's VP debate. i'm excited, scared, smiling, depressed, motivated, sleepy, and in love simultaneously...and i still want my xbox back

i'm sorry...

when we drove past you, i critically said (out loud) that you had corny biking gear and an expensive bike and i criticized you for not really "riding" the way i would if i had the same gear. in this moment, i was expressing all that is ugly in me. for this, i am sorry. you didn't know i said what i did. and i have no clue what the rest of your life consists of. what i do know is that i was acting out of my own insecurities. being so incredibly judgemental was young and small and ugly. i am trying so hard to be more present, to not judge, and to certainly not criticize to make myself feel better. being mean was my false medication. and i used you on that particular day. i was put in my place. karma is a bitch. and i commit to doing my best to work that ugly side of me into something constructive. i am sorry...

the progression of race...

what is your immediate reaction to someone asking, "what are you?" if you are able answer without referring to some physical marking which visually identifies you, think about why? why is it a "political statement" when i "choose" to say an urban kid? or a father? or a lover? or a dork? and why do people always say, "you know what i mean..." as if i should know they mean race and ethnicity. isn't it my choice how i identify myself? and what will, "what are you?" mean when we are all some lighter shade of brown? will it mean are you rich? poor? fat? skinny? and imagine the looks if i said happy? or in love? and why are "skin-colored" band-aids not for me? this conversation is TBD baby!

twisted minds...

some days, it all reads so clearly...career, family, partner, the weather, electoral politics, life. and other days, i feel i live in a polluted haze, filled with strife, confusion, worry, and fear. in the past, willing my way out of the fog was the only method i knew. put yourself in your safe environment. isolate yourself. go to sleep. eat lots of ice cream. but these are temporary fixes. what is really going on in this dome? is the fact that i am in a new kind of love i have never known have something to do with the haze? or is it providing those moments of incredible clarity and passion? is the thought of grad school frightening me? or is it driving my motor? so many questions and a mind twisted into hot scrap metal. as i begin to understand how to solve this puzzle and mold my metal into a finished product, i will try to enjoy this ride...

love...

i love my daughter...i love my mother...i love coffee...i love smoked pork...i love sunshine...lately, i love my bicycle...i love hawaii...i love my buspass...i love mexico...i really love books...i love lake washington...i love garfield high school...i love giving flowers...i love chile verde...i love the Mariners...i love vitamin D...i love reading...i love walking...i love exploring cities previously unknown to me...i love the music of D'angelo and Maxwell...i love hummus...i love a great cappuccino...i love garlic...i love grapefruit supremes...i love the university of michigan...i am beginning to love myself...and i will soon love again

i'm a leper...

so i spend two days a week in a community north of seattle called mill creek. my daughter lives there and i pick her up from school and take the bus home with her wednesdays and thursdays, leaving her friday morning to be picked up by her mother. no big deal right? thursdays are spent at a local coffee house reading while she is in school. sounds innocent, right? well...it is innocent other than i feel as out of place as 1982 Richard Pryor in Coeur d'Alene on a getaway vacation! i should wear pleated (lightest shade!) beige khakis, a white three-button polo shirt with my corporate insignia, order a grande vanilla nonfat latte, and grow a moustache somewhere between Charles Barkley's and MagnumPI's. i also must flirt with every pleathery skinned woman above the age of 42 and wear white New Balance almost Orthopedic tennis shoes to designate my leisure if i am on vacation from work. i am scared to show the cover of my Che' book out there out of fear of a lecture or worse yet a beating. i mean it! the looks i received one ill-fated time i decided to leave the book on my table when i went to the washroom could have drilled holes in my head! it doesn't help that i'm not white either. i rant, because i care. i've grabbed my morning coffee at this establishment on wednesday and thursday for about a year now, and i sincerely feel pretty unique as far as dress, speech, and level of pigmentation, yet there has been NO acknowledgement of my repeat patronage even though this particular company prides itself on its ability to engage its customers and its desire to learn names and make it your "third place." i don't blame the company in particular. shoot, i worked for them for four years! the employees (partners) are also from this community, so i believe it is bred in all of them to distrust, ostricize, and at times mistreat folks who are different. i shouldn't be surprised. i wouldn't be out there if my daughter did not live there. yes, it is difficult for me that she is spending the majority of her time there. yes, i give every effort to show her different ways to think and live when she is with me. but i can't help but feel like an outsider when i am there. i know i can be overly conscious of my differences, but this place is ridiculous! in time, i hope i feel a little more comfortable in milky white suburban America. but deep down, i also know that milky white suburban America is holding on for its life. Caucasians will be the racial minority within three to four decades, and class will always be the lense through which i view my experiences. However, my time in Mill Creek has been eye-opening, and i swear to never make anyone feel like a leper in my community!